"Batman" Saves the Day
GOTHAM CITY (April 17, 2019) -- at roughly 1:30 a.m. in an abandoned alley Nancy Willis was attacked by gang members and saved by some guy kind of dressed like a bat, self-identified by “I am Batman.” Similar reports of a mysterious caped crusader fighting crime have been reported around the city. This is the ninth such report.

Willis reported that Batman glided down on man-size wings and dove at her attackers. While they opened fire en masse, he quickly overpowered all of them. Police were unsure why he didn’t use a firearm when it is generally a simpler, more effective option than fisticuffs. Batman left the gang members tied together around their waists in a big circle.

Willis recalled that, now relieved, she had laughed and said to Batman, “I can’t believe you’re dressed as a bat!”

Batman responded, “Daredevil never got this treatment, and he has pointy ears, too.” He added, “I am Batman.” Then he left in a huff, running away into the darkness.

Citizens who have similarly been saved by Batman describe him as dressed in a black bodysuit with a hokey yellow bat logo, heavy combat boots, a really yellow and generally unused utility belt, a scalloped cape, black gauntlet-like gloves, and a pair of pointy head protrusions that are probably meant to look like bat ears but don’t really look like them. People describe his voice as similar to the voices of Lewis Wilson, Robert Lowery, Adam West, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, Bruce Thomas, Christian Bale, David Mazouz, Iain Glen, Kevin Conroy, and Ben Affleck. Because of his mask, Batman’s face is generally half-showing--clean-shaven with a Robert Pattinson-esque jawline. The only discernible device on his utility belt is a grappling hook that always solidly catches to almost nothing, as reported by people he hugs and levitates. Witnesses also noted that when Batman hits criminals, it literally sounds like the words, “Pow!” “Bonk!” “Wham!” “Boom!” and “Whack!” etc. Detectives believe Batman is actually voicing these words when making contact with an enemy.

This dark knight is sometimes accompanied by a man in tights, a red and green leotard, a short yellow cape, and a mask that barely hides his face, who usually just gets into trouble while Batman kicks ass. This partner often prefaces what he says with “Holy!” While this man, self-identified by “I am Robin,” is Batman’s sidekick, it is rumored that he is in his late 50s and was spotted sporting a potbelly and smoking cigars. “Holy” is usually followed with “Shit,” and Robin mostly just sits in the car.

Batman’s car has been dubbed by the public as the “Batmobile.” Many agree that Batman “will never be able to get that thing repaired anywhere.” Rivaling the dark artistry, technology, and comedy of Batman’s outfit, the Batmobile sports excessive armor, a rocket launcher and cannons (illegal?), mini-bat tailfins, no turn signals, a maximum jump distance of 1,719 feet (524 m), no mud flaps, an ejectable motorcycle-like vehicle, jet engine (with afterburners), and is vaguely reminiscent of the Cybertruck. Batman often speeds, fails to use turn signals, and has no license plate. The police often have trouble writing tickets because Batman often outruns them and never parks. As of now, his confirmed driving tickets have amounted to $52,883. Batman has still never shown up in traffic court and instead prefers to pay in cash via anonymous envelope. When asked for comment, Batman said, “The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules. I am Batman.”

Many citizens remain baffled by the caped crusader’s choice of mascot. Andy Dowell of Gotham summarized, “Bats? Really? Aren’t there more dangerous animals out there? Hippos even? He should take a page from Superman and do Excellentman or something.” Scientists, however, support Batman’s moniker, as there are many little known and fascinating facts about bats. For example, they can carry rabies. Two, one brown bat can eat over 1000 small insects in only one hour! Three, vampire bat saliva may contain an anticoagulant that could help human cardiac patients. Also, bats wash behind their ears somehow! One bat scientist concluded, “No one should say I am Hippo-man!”

At a recent press conference, Commissioner Jim Gordon hailed Batman as a “much-needed hero come to save Gotham from the grips of evil” and that the police and detective factions would work with Batman to keep the city safe, although he wasn’t sure if anything Batman did was “technically legal.” Gordon commented that Batman had approached him about using a bright light with a black bat shadow in the middle to communicate to Batman when his services were needed. Gordon stated, “I wanted to just text him, but, you know, his preference.” When reached by phone for comment, Batman added, “I am Batman.”

In recent years Gotham City has been plagued by a series of bizarre supervillains operating under semi-descriptive nicknames, terrorizing the general public and taunting the police. One of the more fearsome villains is Two-Face, whose face was somehow horribly and unusually scarred exactly down the middle. He is indecisive about what he wants in a suit and is obsessed with scratched quarters. The Penguin, another regular villain who is responsible for all umbrella-related violence, probably really likes penguins. Perhaps the greatest criminal in Gotham is the Joker, who prefers creative methods of violence funny only to the perverse. His face resembles that of a clown who put his makeup on really quickly like he was running late. He used to be paid to hold a store sign until his life took a dark turn, and he started killing people. There is also the Riddler, who loves the color green and question marks, which is a riddle in itself. Before Batman, his evil riddle-based plots were in vain because the riddles were beyond the understanding of Gotham’s citizens, but he is re-energized now that Batman is here to solve them.

One prominent psychologist from Harvard, Paul Rice, profiled Batman. He hypothesized, “Batman probably cultivates this fearsome character, the bat, to scare criminals and protect his identity, perhaps excessively. He obviously must have had some childhood trauma and feel an obligation to help victims of violence. Perhaps his parents were murdered in front of him in a dark alley where he was helpless to do anything. He obviously possesses the intellect, wealth, and resources to design and operate advanced weaponry and equipment. He has probably toured the world, studying under many foreign martial arts masters to attain such comprehensive and effective combat skills. Perhaps he calls his residence the ‘Batcave,’ and it is a stronghold that houses a computer command center, a crime lab, laboratories and workshops, a gymnasium and training areas, a library, a bat colony, medical facilities, housing for awesome specialized vehicles, and slightly narcissitically mementos from past cases--all powered by a hydroelectric generator or nuclear power. Maybe.”

What Batman will do next remains to be seen, but for the moment he is Gotham City’s hero, fighting crime and intimidating crooks. Thank you, Batman, for saving us. We say, “You are truly...Batman.”