DONALD J. TRUMP’S OBITUARY
(as ghostwritten upon the direction of a still alive Donald Trump)

Donald J. Trump (6’ 6”, 166 lb) -- savior to all mankind minus LOSERS, destroyer of worlds (more than Shiva!), real estate “Godfather,” immaculate crafter of lies, drainer and filler of murky swamps, and a free spirit who rode through life on his own terms until he was RUTHLESSLY SLAUGHTERED BY OPERATIVES OF THE BIDEN “ADMINISTRATION” while inking the most tremendous unnamed real estate DEAL with a pen in his GIGANTIC HAND inside one of the most prestigious skyscrapers in all the world, TRUMP TOWER.

He was even voted sexiest man alive THREE YEARS IN A ROW.

Beloved husband to a haughty, ex-MODEL wife, Melania Trump, and two bitchy ex-wives, Trump is succeeded by his children--Donald Jr. Trump (tied for first favorite), Ivanka Trump (tied for first), Eric Trump (third favorite), Tiffany Trump (didn’t place), and Barron Trump (second favorite). Main squeeze of Vladimir Putin, Trump also befriended a lonely Kim Jong Un and supported strongmen everywhere. Trump was especially known for his gentle and loving nature, especially among Miss Universe contestants.

Trump was born on June 4th, 1946. Despite being abandoned as a young babe at the foot of the Grand Hyatt Hotel in New York, he was voted “MOST LIKELY to be impeached in high school.” With no help from ANYONE, Trump acquired a vast fortune GREATER THAN THAT OF ANY MAN ALIVE OR DEAD after founding the Trump Organization. Despite being “raped” by bankruptcy and forays into everything, Trump still managed to BE THE GREATEST SUCCESS OF ALL THOSE SUCCESSFUL...and...

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!!! POTUS!!!!! MAGA!!!!!!!

Never having lost the popular vote despite evidence to the contrary and winning the entire electoral college in 2020 (when propriety, morality, and unopposed heavy litigation are considered, ASSHOLES), Trump regularly raised the spirits of Americans everywhere via ENTERTAINING false RHETORIC.

As a passionate demagogue and purveyor of MAGA hats to the willing masses, Trump was a champion of “Proud” Americans and a media superstar. Trump authored many tremendous books about making deals and WINNING, together far surpassing the coveted Bible IN SALES. (The Art of the Deal -- https://www.amazon.com/Trump-Art-Deal-Donald-J/dp/0399594493/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=art+of+the+deal&qid=1605865357&sr=8-2.) Trump also licensed his name out to many classy business ventures and even sold steak! (WHO DOESN’T LIKE STEAK?!) Trump was even judged a competent leader based on the most beloved reality TV show OF ALL TIME, THE APPRENTICE (2004-2015 check it out), which is a culmination of pseudo-business acumen, whimsical banter, a big desk in a dark room, and the catchphrase,

“YOU’RE FIRED!”

Terrific!

Denigrator of Chi-nah, a nation of piracy and dragons and in no way essential to the US economy, Trump gave Chi-nah the metaphorical middle finger with AMAZING TARIFFS. Additionally, to spite China and it’s COUNTERFEITED “Great” Wall of Chi-nah, Trump built the biggest wall in the HISTORY OF WALLS AND EMBANKMENTS to stop the scourge of the Earth--MEXICANS, Democrats, and drugs.

Policywise, Trump was hailed as a promoter of industry as he conspicuously bolstered small SWATHS of the economy. Known as the “Great Deregulator,” Trump ensured that businesses would not have to read as much or care about things that are annoying. He was also a “Creator of Jobs” (SAY THANK YOU, AFRICAN AMERICANS). Trump was even more beloved by black people than AUNT JEMIMA!

Trump was an early hater of NATO on PRINCIPLE instead of economics and frequently rejected internationally-supported DEALS without any replacement DEALS, such as with the LOSER Iran DEAL. Also, by abandoning the Paris Climate Accord, Trump ensured that winters would be a little bit warmer with a little fewer animals and a little more tee time.

Trump also appointed over 1,000,000 circuit court judges for abandoned spots left empty by the lazy and cowardly Obama administration (GOT YOU, OBAMA) and bullied two justices into the Supreme Court (OBAMA).

While some accused Trump of not doing enough to curb the “Wuhan Flu” (WHICH IT IS), Trump instituted a travel ban on Chi-nah (MOTHERF*CKERS). Everyone knows the danger of contagion is a GIANT HOAX and will ONLY kill a few hundred thousand people! (BALL'S IN YOUR COURT, BIDEN )

Trump leaves behind a body with a luscious head of hair parted stylishly sideways, a tall lean muscular body, and a perpetually tan “glow” that does not extend to his piercing blue eyes. Trump’s attractive embalmed body will be on display outside of Mar-a-Lago where he spent most of his time. His body remains cryogenically frozen so that he may run as “The Donald” for president once again!

And remember...

TAX CUTS!


And you’re welcome!

IMPORTANT: Pincushion of OUT-OF-CONTROL Democrats and often betrayed by FOX’s Chris Wallace, Trump was wrongly accused of “minor transgressions” by DEMOCRATIC SWINE for a PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL phone call with Ukraine!!! (Try looking up “Biden” and “Ukraine” and “son!”) Trump was unfairly impeached by SATANISTS and that witch Nancy Pelosi. (LOOK AT HER FACE!) Complete Democratic HOAX!