SQUEAKY WRITES LETTER TO PUTIN
S: I have to write a fan letter? Oh no ! Writing fan
letters is antithetical to my very nature....Unless...Oh
Jesus...Maybe...
Googles Letter from TAylor Swift Fan
Dear Putin,
I love you so much! And you're very beautiful and cute!
I'm really enjoying your songs! I hope you come to
Japan again! Nobody likes Ukraine anyway. I still
have my map of the U.S.S.R. and hope that one day
soon it will not be outdated. Nice haircut.
(suggestions for derma rolling.)
P.S. You have a huge ****.
SQUEAKY READS WIKIPEDIA PAGE
First sees Wikipedia page.
"Skim skim skim."
"Ooooh. He wrote a book."
"Art of the Steal" --
SUPERMODEL WIFE
Are you cold and haughty? You're in!
THE APOSTLE
Gary Busey, you win! (Becomes Vice President.)
MR. UNIVERSE
Trump: "And when you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. ... Grab 'em by
the...testicles."
"Oh boy, that felt weird. Smushy, did that sound weird to you?"
Smushy: Meow.
INT.
SQUEAKY
Twump wrote book! Oh shit. Now
Squeaky have to wite book.
Hmmm...Art of the Deal...
Squeaky nervously nibbles on his fin.
Squeaky writes: "Art of the Steal."
SQUEAKY
Tee hee.
Squeaky sits there for a full minute staring at a blinking
cursor.
SQUEAKY
Uh oh.
Squeaky types: "Written by Mr. Squeaky Clean.
Squeaky stares at a blinking cursor.
SQUEAKY
Uh oh.
Squeaky stares at a blinking cursor.
SQUEAKY
Oohhhhhhhh...
Squeaky types: "I want it. I take it."
Squeaky sits there staring at a blinking cursor.
SQUEAKY
I want to be a good fish, but me no
have ideas...
He starts Googling Trump quotes.
Squeaky pastes: "Most people think small because they are
afraid of success, afraid of making decisions, afraid of
winning."
Squeaky edits: "Most people think small because they are
afraid of success, afraid of making decisions, afraid of
winning big."
Squeaky pastes: "The way I see it, critics get to say what
they want to about my work, so why shouldn't I be able to say
what I want to about theirs?"
Squeaky edits: "The way I see it, critics get to say what
they want to about my work, so why shouldn't I be able to say
what I want to about their work?"
Squeaky pastes: "I prefer to come to work each day and just
see what develops."
Squeaky edits: "I like to come to work each day and just
see what develops."
GOD (V.O. WHILE SQUEAKY WORKS)
Is Squeaky plagiarizing again?
He's responsible for at least five
versions of the Bible! I've been
watching that little scoundrel
cheat forever!
Squeaky furiously continues to paste and edit.
SATAN
Ha ha ha...he...is mine...
INT. PARK - DAY
Squeaky and Annabelle "swim" through the park.
SQUEAKY
Annabelle, me big boy who wrote a
book!
Squeaky hands her "Art of the Steal."
ANNABELLE
But Squeaky! It's just like that
huckerster's "Art of the Deal" but
with no continuity and extraneous
words! Maybe you should get a
ghostwriter!
SQUEAKY (FROWNING)
Boohoo. Squeaky need compliment to
make him feel better.
ANNABELLE
Squeaky, your ass is spectacular.
Squeaky gives a big toothy grin.
SQUEAKY
Aren't you going to compliment me
on my intelligence, too? I'm not a
piece of meat, you know.
ANNABELLE
Oh Squeaky. You're so intelligent.
And you certainly know how to
express yourself when you think
you're being objectified in a very
mature and cultivated manner that
few marine animals are capable of.
Squeaky gives a big toothy grin.
SQUEAKY
Qwite true.
Squeaky gives a big toothy grin.
But Squeaky. This doesn't make any sense. There are no
transitions. Maybe you should get a ghostwriter.
SQUEAKY
Annabelle, you almost as smart as
me am.
He hugs her.
Squeaky takes out his phone and calls Tony Schartz.
TONY SCHWARTZ
What up, my pufferfish? Looking to
provide alternatives to the ol'
King James?
SQUEAKY
No, me wanna write "Art of the
Steal" based on Squeaky like "Art
of the Deal" to gain Presidency.
TONY SCHWARTZ
Oh really. And why would I do
that.
SQUEAKY
First, royalties.
TONY SCHWARTZ
Yes.
SQUEAKY
Second. Me care about public good
as well as minions. Me say
coronavirus real real all time. Me
cwy when people get hurt. Me have
ton money and do good things wit it
like peanut and jelwy sandwiches
for poor. And me not sleepy head.
Me just turn 7. Can you see it?
Me Pwesident for United States.
TONY SCHWARTZ
Will Trump like it?
SQUEAKY
Prowbably not.
TONY SCHWARTZ
I'm in. See you on the flip side.
SQUEAKY
No, Annabelle going to heaven so me
trying not to go to hell as much w
INT. BY PHONE
Squeaky is on the phone (90s phone) with Annabelle next to a
cardboard cutout of Twiggy in silver in T-position looking
ridiculous.
ANNABELLE
But Squeaky! I'm your girlfriend.
SQUEAKY
Don't worry. It cardboard cutout.
I dump her after presidency.
A beat.
SQUEAKY
You can be my Monica Lewinsky.
ANNABELLE
Squeaky!
SQUEAKY
It not so bad!
ANNABELLE
Squeaky!
SQUEAKY
It cardboard cutout, Annabelle!
Deal!
Squeaky hangs up the phone and scurries away.
GOD
Oh hell no.
SATAN (GRAVELLY MALE VOICE)
Oh hell yeah.
INT. "THINKING CHAIR"
SQUEAKY
Twump have Miss Universe...Twump
have Miss Universe...Twump Have
Miss Universe...Squeaky have...Mr.
Universe...oooohhhhhhh...
YOUTUBE
"I'm automatically attracted to
beautiful women — I just start
kissing them. It's like a magnet.
Just kiss. I don't even wait. When
you're a star, they let you do it.
You can do anything. Grab 'em by
the pussy. You can do anything."
SQUEAKY
Uh oh...Annabelle no like this
one...
INT. FAMILY ROOM - DAY
SQUEAKY
I need to record a pervy
conversation with Billy Bob Bush,
and he probably won't want to talk
to me.
ANNABELLE
Why don't you just tell him you're
the zodiac killer? Everyone wants
to talk to the zodiac killer?
SQUEAKY
Good one.
A beat.
SQUEAKY
Annabelle, want to go to get sushi
sometime? It hurts me inside a
little bit to eat my brethren, but
I do love a good sushi.
ANNABELLE
Oh, Squeaky. You're so romantic.
And you care so much about other
fish even though you eat them.
Squeaky gives a big toothy grin.
SQUEAKY
Annabelle...give me smoochy...
ANNABELLE (STILL OVER PHONE)
Squeaky, you're so adorable. Mmm-
wah.
Squeaky gives big toothy grin.
SQUEAKY
Me no know Billy Bob number. Me
have to guess.
Squeaky dials a phone number.
SQUEAKY
Is this Billy Bob?
WOMAN
No.
Squeaky hangs up and dials a new phone number.
SQUEAKY
Is this Billy Bob?
MAN
No.
Squeaky hangs up and dials a new phone number.
SQUEAKY
Is this Billy Bob?
BILLY BOB
Yes. Who is this?! And how did
you get my number?
SQUEAKY
I guessed.
BILLY BOB
You guessed?
SQUEAKY (OVER PHONE)
Hey, Billy Bob...want to talk to me
on a bus?
BILLY BUSH
Who is this?
SQUEAKY
Somebody who wants to talk to
you...
BILLY BUSH
Who is this?
SQUEAKY
Do you want an exclusive...with
the...zodiac killer?
BILLY BUSH
Oh my God, yes!
SQUEAKY
I'll meet you in the trailer...of
"Days of Our Lives..."
A beat.
SQUEAKY
Mwuhahahaaaa...
Squeaky hangs up the phone.
BILLY BOB (PUMPING FIST)
Yes!
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
Squeaky puts on a pair of glasses in front of the mirror.
SQUEAKY
Dead ringer.
INT. INSIDE OF TRAILER OF "DAYS OF OUR LIVES"
Squeaky enters the trailer, sees Billy Bob pointing a gun at
him, takes out a tape player and pointedly presses record.
SQUEAKY
Let's talk.
Billy Bob gestures to a chair with the gun.
BILLY BOB
Of course. I hope you know I have
to take precautions.
SQUEAKY
Of course.
BILLY BOB
So, why'd you do it?
Squeaky takes out a piece of paper and awkwardly unfolds and
holds it up to his face.
SQUEAKY (TO HIMSELF)
Oooooh...this is going to be
embawassing.
Squeaky gathers himself.
SQUEAKY
"I'm automatically attwacted to
bootiful, bootiful women. I just
start kissing them. It's like a
magnet. Just kiss kiss kiss. I
don't even wait. When you're a
star, they let you do it. You can
do anything."
A beat.
SQUEAKY
"Grab 'em by the pussy. You can do
anytwing."
GOD
Squeaky, I heard "Grab'em by the
pussy," and I can came straight
down here.
SQUEAKY
I do it to defeat the Donald.
GOD
Oh, okay. Proceed.
SATAN
God dammit.
GOD
Damn. I'll be blessing some
wreaths.
Squeaky fidgets nervously.
SQUEAKY (TO HIMSELF)
Ooooohhhhhhh...Annabelle no like
this one. Even God came down on my
ass.
SQUEAKY
Now you say, "Yes, the Donald has
scored," or...I kill a bitch...
BILLY BOB
Uh...the Donald has scored.
SQUEAKY
Thank you.
A beat.
SQUEAKY (TO BILLY BUSH)
No further, Billy Bob Bush. The
end.
Squeaky pointedly presses the stop button on his tape
recorder and leaves.
BILLY BOB
What the fuck. Who would of thought
it. A pufferfish is the goddamn
zodiac killer. I thought as much.
Billy Bob sits there thinking.
BILLY BOB
I thought as much.
EXT. MONSTER TRUCK RALLY / BULLY PULPIT - DAY
SQUEAKY
We have to change everything!
The crowd goes silent.
SQUEAKY
For the better!
CROWD
Yeah!
SQUEAKY
Trump!
MAN IN CROWD
Go Trump!
SQUEAKY
Trump! Is a bad, bad man!
SAME MAN IN CROWD
No!
SQUEAKY
Hold him down and brand him!
DEVIL
Mwuhahahaaa...Squeaky, you're mine.
SQUEAKY
I mean...give him a campaign
sticker!
Crowd is silent. A beat.
CROWD
Yeah!
SQUEAKY
The system is corrupt, and leaders
are stupid!
CROWD
Yeah!
SQUEAKY
Smart people do not want to be
leaders!
CROWD
Yeah!
SQUEAKY
My high-pitched, shrill voice is
your voice!
CROWD
Boo!
A beat.
CROWD
Yeah!
SQUEAKY
NAFTA!!!!
CROWD
Yeah!
CROWD
Boo!
CROWD
Yeah!
CROWD
Boo!
CROWD
Yeah!
SQUEAKY
Kill the Mexicans!
CROWD
Whoa.
A beat.
CROWD
Yeah!
LONE MEXICAN
Hey! Por que?!
SQUEAKY
In my first 100 days I will...and
last but not least importantly,
Monster Trucks!
CROWD (LOUDEST)
Yeah!
SQUEAKY
And everyone gets a goody bag! We
all winnnnnnnnn!!!
Squeaky dances to cheers.
EXT. MONSTER TRUCK RALLY - EVENING
A woman opens her goody bag.
WOMAN
Oooh. Two pencils, fruit snacks,
and two sheets of stickers.
INT. WHITEHOUSE - MORNING
Squeaky is sitting at a big table next to Twiggy.
WAITRESS
What would you like to eat, Mr.
President?
SQUEAKY
Everything!!!!
A man walks in carrying a stack of papers.
STAFF
Here is your daily briefing, Mr.
President.
SQUEAKY
Ohhhhhhh.
Squeaky flips through it.
SQUEAKY
Ohhhh. I need highlighter.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY
STAFF MEMBER
Mr. President, it's time to talk to
your National Security Adviser.
SQUEAKY
My Nuh-sah?
Shot of Squeaky looking blankly towards the camera as a
Charlie Brown wah-wuh-wah-wah-wuh voice talks.
STAFF MEMBER
Mr. President, time for your
intelligence briefing with the CIA.
Shot of Squeaky hurrying down a hallway. Shot of Squeaky
looking blankly towards the camera as a Charlie Brown wah-wuh-
wah-wah-wuh voice talks.
SQUEAKY (THOUGHT)
Trump got to watch TV.
Shot of Squeaky looking blankly towards the camera while fins
flapping like a stationary goldfish as a Charlie Brown wah-
wuh-wah-wah-wuh voice talks.
STAFF MEMBER
Mr. President. Time for your phone
call with the President of South
Africa.
SQUEAKY (THOUGHT DURING WAH-WUH-WUHS)
Weird. Didn't we fwee the slaves
alweady?
Shot of Squeaky looking blankly towards the camera while fins
flapping like a stationary goldfish as a Charlie Brown wah-
wuh-wah-wah-wuh voice talks.
STAFF MEMBER
Lunch time.
Squeaky's face lights up. Somebody puts a bib around
Squeaky's neck.
CHEF
What would you like, Squeaky? I
can make anything.
SQUEAKY
Kwispy Kreme!!!
CHEF
I can make you a donut...
SQUEAKY
Kwispy Kreme!!!
CHEF
I shall order out.
Krispy Kreme is placed for Squeaky.
SQUEAKY (EATING WITHOUT SILVERWARE)
Nom nom nom.
STAFF MEMBER
Mr. President...
SQUEAKY (ANGRILY)
What?! I'm weating!
STAFF MEMBER
The President of Germany wants to
talk to you?
SQUEAKY
Hitler? I don't want to talk to
him! He bad man.
Squeaky continues to eat.
SQUEAKY
Nom nom nom. Tell him Squeaky pro-
Jew.
STAFF MEMBER
Yes, Mr. President.
The staff member close door with a sigh and leaves.
STAFF MEMBER (TO HIMSELF)
I voted for the other guy.
INT. OVAL OFFICE -
INT. SOFA ROOM - DAY
Squeaky is slouching on the couch next to his cardboard
cutout of Twiggy.
SQUEAKY
Twiggy, you so cute.
Ahhh...chillin' with the misses,
although I do miss Annabelle.
(frowning)
I bet Annabelle miss Squeaky.
He starts crying.
SQUEAKY
Boohoo. Boohoo. Where my Monica
Lewinsky.
STAFF MEMBER
Mr. President, your Chief of Staff
Ophelia Rice is on the phone.
SQUEAKY
Oh, my hardwyorking soul' be
hurtin'!
GOD (V.O.)
You're complaining about your job,
Squeaky Clean? Do you know what my
hours are? 24/7. That's right.
24/7. I be a hardworkin' woman.
SATAN (V.O.)
I'm enjoying my job...ha ha
haaaa...I work all the time,
too...mwuhahahaaaa...
Screams, whips, and a goat's heehaw are heard in the
background.
SQUEAKY
God, you hawen't been doing your
jwob. This guy's got a goat down
there.
GOD
A goat? I got to figure this out.
Squeaky shivers and gives a nervous expression.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Squeaky is on the phone looking stressed. He is surrounded
by stacks of paper and sweating prefusely.
SQUEAKY (NERVOUSLY)
Russia wants to bomb me. Oh boy oh
boy. Canada wants to pull out of
NAFTA. Squeaky accidentally lifted
bwan on cocaine. Race rwiots in 43
states. One third of Pentagon now
gwon. Iran has hostages.
Australia is now a communist
stwate. Oh boy oh boy. Oh no oh
no.
Squeaky's chief of staff enters. Squeaky has redesigned the
Oval Office to his liking with strobe lights, a disco ball,
etc.
SQUEAKY (SCREAMING)
Wat now, my chief of staff? You
don't like the curtains? You said
Squeaky could do wat he wanted.
Twiggy and Squeaky like to dance!
CHIEF OF STAFF (NERVOUSLY
I'm just calling to say that
Palastine has just invaded Israel,
and at the same time, Israel has
invaded Palestine.
SQUEAKY
Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
CHIEF OF STAFF
It actually worked out quite well,
Mr. President. They just switched
places.
SQUEAKY
Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
He inflates.
SQUEAKY
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Squeaky deflates and inflates again.
SQUEAKY
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
The Chief of Staff abruptly closes the door.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - MORNING
The Chief of Staff walks into the Oval Office where there is
just an empty chair and a coffee mug on a napkin. She looks
at the napkin. It says, "I quit!" next to a coffee ring.
INT. AIR FORCE ONE - MORNING
Squeaky and Annabelle are jetsetting to the Jamaica on Air
Force One.
ANNABELLE
Oh Squeaky. You managed to be
President for an entire day! The
word went to hell, and you still
stuck with it. And now you're
taking me on this nice vacation on
your private jet. I'm so proud of
you, Squeaky.
SQUEAKY
Squeaky dump Twiggy, too.
ANNABELLE
Oh Squeaky.
SQUEAKY
Cardboard cutout accidwentally got
folded in half.
ANNABELLE
Oh Squeaky. Cardboard cutouts make
lame girlfriends.
SQUEAKY
Annabelle is all Squeaky needs. We
make handbags from duvets together.
They embrace.
ANNABELLE
Squeaky, you're loving comments and
knowledge of a woman's needs make
me fall in love with you again and
again every day!
Squeaky gives big toothy grin.
ANNABELLE
Who is running the country now,
Squeaky?
SQUEAKY
Vwice President.
ANNABELLE
Who is the Vice President?
SQUEAKY
I dunno. I forgot.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - MORNING
Smushy is sitting at the desk.
SMUSHY (SADLY)
Meow.
INT. LATE NIGHT WITH STEPHEN COLBERT - EVENING
The writing crew is spitballing, sitting in their swivel
chairs and brainstorming.
WRITER 1
A pufferfish is president. There
has to be something we can do with
this. There has to.
WRITER 2
WRITER 2
Google alternative names of
Pufferfish.
WRITER 1
Globefish...pufferfish...puffers,
balloonfish, bubblefish, globefish,
swellfish, toadfish, toadies,
toadle, blowfish...maybe we can use
blowfish.
WRITER 2
We can't use Blowfish. This is not
Comedy Central. Plus, Colbert
likes this President, even if he
lost half his monologue.
WRITER 1
I don't know. Maybe we can make
fun of his appearance.
WRITER 2
Let me Google him on Google Images.
They scroll past pictures of Squeaky with the last one
looking being Squeaky inflated looking constipated.
WRITER 1
I don't know. He's always pretty
good lookin'.
WRITER 2
His color is beautiful.
WRITER 1
Yeah, it's a really nice yellow.
WRITER 2
Look at that nose.
WRITER 1
Entirely Presidential.
WRITER 2
And that profile.
WRITER 1
He could go on a coin.
WRITER 2
Don't worry. He'll fuck up
somehow.
WRITER 1
They always do!
SATAN (V.O.)
Mwuhahahaaaaa...
GOD
Oh shut up, Satan.
Was he the guy with the Goody Bags?
Yeah.
Oh wow. I'm voting for him.
ANNOUNCER 1
The nation-wide goody bags were a
really good strategy.
ANNOUNCER 2
Yeah, I got mine.
She opens it and pulls out a top.
ANNOUNCER 2
I got a top!
She spins it on the desk.
ANNOUNCER 2
Ooooooh...