Yes, that’s right. I, an obvious nobody and probable idiot, solved the Israeli-Palestinian crisis. And it wasn’t that hard; it took, like, two minutes and thirty seconds. The Israelis want to live in Israel, and the Palestinians want to live in Israel, too. The task becomes an issue of sharing. Sooo . . . build a second floor. One gets the lower floor, and one gets the upper.

Who gets the upper? I don’t know. Flip a coin, and if one group prefers a second floor window view, well, there you go.

That’s right. Make a second floor! The two groups will live together in union and perfect harmony, unless one group gets pissed about going up stairs all the time. Well, lower floor, tell them daily exercise is good and to stop being whiny. This truly is a two-state solution—just one state is on top of the other.

What of those buildings that are two or more stories tall? Well, I say, with a slightly obnoxious and snooty tone, build an even number of floors and stack’em--alternate between Israeli floors and Palestinian floors (or vice versa).

Easy. C’mon. Give me a real challenge, like one that takes at least three minutes:

Starvation: Introduce McDonald’s. No one starves with the dollar menu! (thirty-one seconds)

Violent military occupation and/or terrorist groups raiding the country: Kill them with kindness. (one minute and two seconds)

Bigotry: Kick the bigots in the solar plexus until they change their minds (four seconds)

Solved. More issues, please.