Quotes From My Life/Quotes From Me (I think?):
I was owed a birth, and I was owed a death, but that’s all life ever owed me.
To judge one’s life in isolation is either cruel or extremely generous.
If it weren't for the computer, maybe I'd know my neighbors.

Person 1: My clothes are making the rounds at Goodwill.
Person 2: My clothes are a cheese cloth.

Not called news anymore. It's called, "Donald Trump did what?"
The great thing about being ugly is that you're the only one who doesn't have to look at your face. Ah, sweet revenge.
I knew it, just not in my mind. -girl in hypnotist show
If God has a sense of humor, it would explain a lot. If God has a bad sense of humor, it would explain even more.
I want to be hated for who I am.
It’s not rocket surgery but...
Don't you hate it when you forget what you're going to say in mid sent
It's fun to watch old people type. - Dr. DeHaven
Food is the number one cause of obesity.
When life gives you high fructose syrup and artificial lemon flavor, make lemonade……………..or...lemonade-ish drink.